Why I want to Loose Weight (BL update)

Neglect

So, have I been neglecting everything? Absolutely! However, it has never been intentional. As I had feared a changing shift at work is like putting self through a round. My sugar levels have been on such a roller coaster. Of course, getting up at 4:00 am for the first time in … ever! Well, actually up until I was eighteen I would wake up at 4:00 am on Christmas morning, then sit and watch lights come to life in other people’s homes.

So, this is the first time work has caused me to drag my butt out of bed in the wee hours of the morning. The first couple of days were really rough! Monday I was off, and Tuesday wasn’t bad but I hit the wall (figuratively speaking) around 10:00 or 10:30 am. Wednesday was a completely new story. I fought the head bob at work, came to the same mid-morning wall, then when I got home I laid down with the headphones and laptop angled just right to participate in a webinar. It couldn’t have been five minutes and I was gone! Out like a light. Thursday, gave way to the same wall and fatigue at work. After arriving home I figured I was fine, next thing I know I wake up with my head on my arms and the arms crossed on the laptop. Another webinar partially missed.

Today I finally clued in to what the major obstacle has been. Sure, a shift change that makes me get up three hours earlier than I had been before, but to be THAT tired! I certainly was. Today I am still groggy but not to the same extent. Still, I know if I lay down now I would be out!

I haven’t done a spec of exercise, but I haven’t had the energy either. I am due for a video yet the fatigue has been toying with brain fogging treatments on my head. Yes, they sound like excuses, but I’m not complaining. After all, this can’t go on forever. Eventually I will adjust to the time change. What I really need to get on top of is the food intake and exercise. I haven’t been eating balanced at all. In fact, I just don’t feel hungry. Yet it occurred to me today that about one to two hours before the morning slump at work, I had a muffin and coffee (black). I bet you it’s the muffin that’s sending my sugar onto slippery slope. So, the key is to get my eating plan fixed and to exercise more. Yep, that was a repeat of what I wrote a moment ago.

Exercise is going to be tough, but I just got a new DVD. Sorry to Jillian fans, but jumping jacks on arthritis riddled knees is not for me. Maybe later when the muscles are stronger. The DVD I just got is called Intention and Power by Patricia Moreno. I got one of her videos through Avon and really like it, but her new Inten-Sati is even better. Positive affirmations with body work intensity. I watched through it this morning, and on the disc she asks that you make a 28 day commitment. So, that’s what I’m going to do. That’s my choice and it goes into effect Sunday.

The neglect is over … the fear is gone … the work really begins. Now will somebody stop the roller coaster at this point so I can stay on track?

Why I’m Overweight

Kicking Comfort and Easy to the Curb

There comes times in life when dissension covers truth like a camouflage blanket, and there are plenty of people to find this reality between. Yet tonight as I replied to a message I never expected to receive (From one of those people where things became strained, misunderstood and misconstrued over a number of years.), I found that positive heart within alive and well.

“Hope [things improve] stronger than ever, then the world will be your oyster filled with endless opportunities.” I wrote. After I sent those words it occurred to me, though I always wish others well, this message had been written with more heartfelt good wishes than have gone to that person in the past, which I realize has more to do with changes in me. I believe those words …endless opportunities… and that is huge for me! I’ve been negative and hopeless far too long.

The world is full of opportunities!

Success within is more about decisions than anything else. I can hear all the advice, have in my knowledge arsenal the “how” and “right way to do it” – all of it could be as obvious as the ‘nose on my face‘ – but if I don’t choose (decide) success will be mine, then I never achieve my goals.

Does this make any sense? To achieve, those one-year and five-year goals, and to become an obesity survivor, I have to decide, have to visualize those things as mine, and I do!

Now I could settle. I could relinquish myself to living in a morbidly obese body (succumb to the paralysis found in my fears); I could settle in a relationship where happiness does not dwell; could never deal with past mistakes and regret some of those choices; I could live in a house I hate, or stay in a city or church that doesn’t feel like home. After all, those things are the easy way, but if I choose easy it means I’ve chosen to settle in my comfort zone and miss out on all the opportunities that come from working toward and achieving my goals.

I have a quote on a post-it note in my day planner, and it is definitely something I remind myself of often:

“Since it doesn’t cost a dime to dream,

you’ll never short-change yourself to stretch your imagination.“

(Dr. Robert Schuller)

Update and Confessions

Anxiety Quagmire

So, this past week has been a disaster! Eating has been so far away from plan. It has been filled with carbs and more carbs and just lacking vegetables.

One of my struggles has been writing everything down – I haven’t been. There is no excuse, I simply haven’t thought about it beyond once a day. I want to write down food intake, money spent, my thought processes when fighting cravings. For example, this past week I bought a small bag of BBQ corn chips from the vending machine at work twice. Both times I fought the urge for a long time, but finally arrived at a point where the anxiety was too much. Picture a person sitting with arms bent, fists clenched, eyes squished shut and screaming, “aaghh!” as they trembled, and that was where I had arrived when giving in to the corn chips. I couldn’t take it anymore, so they were mine.

Friday was when I bought the second bag, and that act alone seemed to subside the anxiety so I put the bag of chips in my lunch pail. Though there had been some relief at not openning that bag, it didn’t take long before the feeling built again. By the end of my shift they were gone.

I know part of the battle at home has been both a lacking drive and a lack of space. Plus, sporatically throughout my days thoughts trapse thorugh my mind – those things that truly concern me to the core of my fears. Things like:

• Hoping my daughter will find that inner drive to push herself to succeed.
• Wondering how much her current state and character are due to my parenting.
• I sense the emptiness and now an inner fear of someone dear to me, and hope it will be overcome.
• There are thoughts about money, about getting out of debt in five years and questioning my own fortitude to make it. How am I going to do it?
• Wondering how I’m going to succeed in putting us in a two-bedroom by January 2011. Plus how am I going to find myself fully self-employed in five years.

I’ve got the goals, but no real idea how to set the workable plan without working myself to death.

These are the thoughts that go through my head over and over again. Now to achieve them while successfully downsizing me at the same time. I hope the scale continues to go down!

BL Update and Getting Control over ‘D’

How true is this?

It’s all in my choices

Working out all those little bits of me that resulted in the weight I now carry. It’s a lifestyle change and transition that can only be taken one day at a time. If I mess up this minute I won’t beat myself up. Instead I will accept it and move on to the next minute with a decision to do things differently.

That’s the first place of change!

Lost and Found